I feel exhausted this morning. I have this overwhelming sense that I somehow haven't been taking good care of myself, but I somehow cannot put my finger on exactly how. I've been eating okay--not perfectly, of course--but for the most part pretty well. I've been sleeping enough--perhaps too much? I've consumed some substances/medications that may have been best avoided, but certainly not in alarming quantities.
It's more this feeling that I haven't been taking care of myself emotionally, but I'm not sure exactly how. There are a few things I can point to: I've been emotionally investing myself in others to an extent that it's been harmful to me. I've brought up issues with others in ways that have turned out to be unproductive and potentially hurtful, and this has been stressful. To top it all off, I've been entertaining rather than resisting my obsessive thoughts, and have engaged in compulsions I thought I was done with for good.
My dreams have been intense the last couple of nights. I had one extremely vivid dream that I ate magic mushrooms that were fresh and moist and tasted like shiitakes. I started to trip. Everything was sparkly and beautiful and I woke up wanting to trip, but then remembered that mushrooms distort my emotional perception an order of magnitude more than they distort visual perception. A sparkly trippy world would never feel so light to me. My dream was so happy, but I felt sad.
I had another dream that I spoke to a friend I had a falling out with 6 months ago. He invited me into his apartment and was nice to me but then told me he felt like he was better off in his life without me. I told him I agreed and left. I didn't feel sad, I just felt closure: It felt good that we had agreed to go our separate ways. I went next door and then reconnected with a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while. Then tension between us was gone. I woke up and of course it wasn't real. My dreams are grasping at closure I'm not getting in real life.
It's not all bad. In the past few weeks, I've had some moments of intense focus on my work. I've had uncharacteristic moments of compassion for myself and others. That said, I feel like I have work to do in terms of taking care of myself. I just don't quite know what that means.
It's more this feeling that I haven't been taking care of myself emotionally, but I'm not sure exactly how. There are a few things I can point to: I've been emotionally investing myself in others to an extent that it's been harmful to me. I've brought up issues with others in ways that have turned out to be unproductive and potentially hurtful, and this has been stressful. To top it all off, I've been entertaining rather than resisting my obsessive thoughts, and have engaged in compulsions I thought I was done with for good.
My dreams have been intense the last couple of nights. I had one extremely vivid dream that I ate magic mushrooms that were fresh and moist and tasted like shiitakes. I started to trip. Everything was sparkly and beautiful and I woke up wanting to trip, but then remembered that mushrooms distort my emotional perception an order of magnitude more than they distort visual perception. A sparkly trippy world would never feel so light to me. My dream was so happy, but I felt sad.
I had another dream that I spoke to a friend I had a falling out with 6 months ago. He invited me into his apartment and was nice to me but then told me he felt like he was better off in his life without me. I told him I agreed and left. I didn't feel sad, I just felt closure: It felt good that we had agreed to go our separate ways. I went next door and then reconnected with a friend that I haven't spoken with in a while. Then tension between us was gone. I woke up and of course it wasn't real. My dreams are grasping at closure I'm not getting in real life.
It's not all bad. In the past few weeks, I've had some moments of intense focus on my work. I've had uncharacteristic moments of compassion for myself and others. That said, I feel like I have work to do in terms of taking care of myself. I just don't quite know what that means.
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