Things have been going swimmingly for the most part. My anxiety levels have been pretty low since quitting my job. That is, until a couple days ago.
I've had a friend that I've been wondering for a long time whether or he's a positive influence in my life. Sometimes I've had a good time with him and sometimes I've left my interactions with him feeling bad about myself. I've tried to point out the behaviors he has that rub me the wrong way on a few occasions and he inevitably responds that I've too sensitive.
In any case, on Friday he invited me to hang out with him in a group. I said no a couple of times and he kept pushing. I was kind of like fuck it, I might as well be honest with him. I told him it was hard for me to spend long periods of time hanging out with him. He didn't take it well.
Then he wrote me a long email saying that he believes I am selfish, ungenerous, mean, and overly sensitive. I wrote an email back. I am feeling intense guilt for this email. I got 5 or 6 emails back about how mean my email was. My partner asked why I felt so much guilt and not more anger? I don't know. I don't know if I'm capable of anger anymore.
I feel like a horrible person in all this to be honest. Maybe I really have done all these horrible things to this person. Maybe I am overly sensitive. Maybe I am deserving of his harsh reactions. It's horrifying that I've hurt someone so badly without even trying.
I've forgotten what it means to be nice to myself. I've forgotten why I even brought this up in the first place--because choosing to hang out with him wasn't being nice to myself.
I feel so lost. Horribly guilty. Uncertain what to feel, what to think. I so strongly want to make things right, but I don't know that I can (at least without sacrificing myself an my values), or if I can if it would be good for me to.
I'm worried I'm falling back into a hole of anxiety. I can't be unselfish when I'm anxious. It's too much of effort to even take care of myself. I'm worried I'm not capable of being a good person.
I've had a friend that I've been wondering for a long time whether or he's a positive influence in my life. Sometimes I've had a good time with him and sometimes I've left my interactions with him feeling bad about myself. I've tried to point out the behaviors he has that rub me the wrong way on a few occasions and he inevitably responds that I've too sensitive.
In any case, on Friday he invited me to hang out with him in a group. I said no a couple of times and he kept pushing. I was kind of like fuck it, I might as well be honest with him. I told him it was hard for me to spend long periods of time hanging out with him. He didn't take it well.
Then he wrote me a long email saying that he believes I am selfish, ungenerous, mean, and overly sensitive. I wrote an email back. I am feeling intense guilt for this email. I got 5 or 6 emails back about how mean my email was. My partner asked why I felt so much guilt and not more anger? I don't know. I don't know if I'm capable of anger anymore.
I feel like a horrible person in all this to be honest. Maybe I really have done all these horrible things to this person. Maybe I am overly sensitive. Maybe I am deserving of his harsh reactions. It's horrifying that I've hurt someone so badly without even trying.
I've forgotten what it means to be nice to myself. I've forgotten why I even brought this up in the first place--because choosing to hang out with him wasn't being nice to myself.
I feel so lost. Horribly guilty. Uncertain what to feel, what to think. I so strongly want to make things right, but I don't know that I can (at least without sacrificing myself an my values), or if I can if it would be good for me to.
I'm worried I'm falling back into a hole of anxiety. I can't be unselfish when I'm anxious. It's too much of effort to even take care of myself. I'm worried I'm not capable of being a good person.
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