I was feeling down today. More than just down, bad about myself. I've been unusually irritable lately, which has caused me to feel guilt. I took a nap, read some OCD forums, pet my cats--tried to do the things that tend to make me feel better. Finally, I got tired of going it alone and called a friend. I burst into tears and told her all the things that were going wrong in my life. Basically she told me that yes, there was a lot going on for me and I had every right to feel the way I felt and that I was being asked to tend to others needs which wasn't leaving me much room to tend to my own. I immediately felt better. Sigh of relief. Now, how had I gotten myself into this situation of talking care of others better than myself? I started to try to figure it out. If I can just set my life up as to take better care of myself, I won't feel bad again.
But wait! Doesn't this seem familiar? Wasn't this just the cycle of obsession, relief seeking, obsession? The obsession: I'm feeling bad. Why do I feel bad? Will I feel this way forever? Relief seeking: I called a friend for whom I supplied ample evidence for the theory she put forth that my emotional reaction was indeed a reasonable response to my circumstances and that I needed to be careful that others did not request too much of me. OCD sets up these perfect little problems for me. If I just do x, all my problems will be solved. If I just check the doors one more time, I'll stop worrying about them. If I can just figure out what's wrong in my life and then fix it, I'll be happy.
So, back to square one. Why do I feel bad? Is there a reason? Have people's requests of me really been the source of my dis-ease? Has there really been a lot going on? I want to avoid answering these questions, at least for the time being.
This goes back to a question in a previous blog post--Is anxiety meaningful? I've been reading Peter Kramer's Listening to Prozac. Despite the fact that we disagree on the evidence, I find Kramer's anecdotes compelling. He told a story of a woman held back by perfectionism, that is until she took Prozac. Once on the drug, her family relationships improved, she got a better job, and she felt more fulfilled. The social worker who the woman had been seeing called Kramer and was confused. She had spent hours analyzing this woman--breaking down the meanings in her conflicts and helping her become more self-aware. None of this helped, but drugs did. Clearly, this anecdote doesn't say anything about what Prozac does or whether it works, but it does speak to the fact that our anxiety isn't always meaningful. At the very least, doing the "hard work" in therapy doesn't always pay off. Understanding the origins and meanings in our conflicts and trying to become more self aware can certainly go a long way, but it isn't a guarantee of fixing things.
I see a lot of this woman in myself. I can get hung up on things and upset over little things. I can be very aware of what I'm doing and what I should do, but it doesn't always help. For example, I know I'm being hard on myself for being irritable. I'm trying to let it go, but I can't always let it go. If there existed a magic pill that would allow me to let go of my perfectionism and my hang ups, I would take it.
So, to go back to that list of questions:
Why do I feel bad?
The trivial answer is some combination of my surroundings and my reactions to them.
Do my life circumstances really warrant my reactions to them?
I don't think there's an easy answer to this question. What does it mean for my reactions to be warranted? Moreover, even if my reactions are warranted, do I want them? Are they useful to me? Much of the time I don't want my reactions and I doubt their usefulness to me, I just have trouble dismissing them.
But wait! Doesn't this seem familiar? Wasn't this just the cycle of obsession, relief seeking, obsession? The obsession: I'm feeling bad. Why do I feel bad? Will I feel this way forever? Relief seeking: I called a friend for whom I supplied ample evidence for the theory she put forth that my emotional reaction was indeed a reasonable response to my circumstances and that I needed to be careful that others did not request too much of me. OCD sets up these perfect little problems for me. If I just do x, all my problems will be solved. If I just check the doors one more time, I'll stop worrying about them. If I can just figure out what's wrong in my life and then fix it, I'll be happy.
So, back to square one. Why do I feel bad? Is there a reason? Have people's requests of me really been the source of my dis-ease? Has there really been a lot going on? I want to avoid answering these questions, at least for the time being.
This goes back to a question in a previous blog post--Is anxiety meaningful? I've been reading Peter Kramer's Listening to Prozac. Despite the fact that we disagree on the evidence, I find Kramer's anecdotes compelling. He told a story of a woman held back by perfectionism, that is until she took Prozac. Once on the drug, her family relationships improved, she got a better job, and she felt more fulfilled. The social worker who the woman had been seeing called Kramer and was confused. She had spent hours analyzing this woman--breaking down the meanings in her conflicts and helping her become more self-aware. None of this helped, but drugs did. Clearly, this anecdote doesn't say anything about what Prozac does or whether it works, but it does speak to the fact that our anxiety isn't always meaningful. At the very least, doing the "hard work" in therapy doesn't always pay off. Understanding the origins and meanings in our conflicts and trying to become more self aware can certainly go a long way, but it isn't a guarantee of fixing things.
I see a lot of this woman in myself. I can get hung up on things and upset over little things. I can be very aware of what I'm doing and what I should do, but it doesn't always help. For example, I know I'm being hard on myself for being irritable. I'm trying to let it go, but I can't always let it go. If there existed a magic pill that would allow me to let go of my perfectionism and my hang ups, I would take it.
So, to go back to that list of questions:
Why do I feel bad?
The trivial answer is some combination of my surroundings and my reactions to them.
Do my life circumstances really warrant my reactions to them?
I don't think there's an easy answer to this question. What does it mean for my reactions to be warranted? Moreover, even if my reactions are warranted, do I want them? Are they useful to me? Much of the time I don't want my reactions and I doubt their usefulness to me, I just have trouble dismissing them.
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