Therapy was hard yesterday. I suppose I was already having a hard day, but there's something particularly hard about talking about my body-focused repetitive behaviors--skin picking, hair pulling, etc. I'm just so ashamed or embarrassed I guess.
It's weird, because talking about my OCD is also embarrassing. You have to say that you're incredibly anxious about something that doesn't make sense to be anxious about. Or something that doesn't even make sense at all. But there's something worse about BFRBs. I don't know if anyone uses that acronym. I just made it up, I guess.
Last session, I said that I thought my BFRBs were weird and gross. My therapist said I needed to have more compassion for myself and stop being ashamed. He said he could think of at least ten things that people did that were weirder and grosser than my BFRBs. He said that he wished people were more ashamed of some of these things. I suppose he's right. I have exceptionally little compassion for myself, which paradoxically enough exacerbates the behaviors I'm trying to stop.
So, I guess the question is how do I cultivate compassion for myself? My therapist was particularly interested in me reevaluating idea that my BFRBs are weird and gross. He told me he thought I was smart and asked me why I think that if I knew it wasn't serving me. I didn't get an opportunity at the time, but for me thinking things is about whether or not I believe them to be true, not whether or not they serve me. It seems intellectually dishonest to change what I believe to be true based on what will serve me best. I can understand not dwelling on things that I believe to be true if it serves me not to dwell on them, but I can't understand not believing them. The thing is, I do think my BFRBs are weird and gross. I can agree that there are weirder and grosser things that people do, and I suppose that helps me cultivate at least some compassion for myself.
It's weird, because talking about my OCD is also embarrassing. You have to say that you're incredibly anxious about something that doesn't make sense to be anxious about. Or something that doesn't even make sense at all. But there's something worse about BFRBs. I don't know if anyone uses that acronym. I just made it up, I guess.
Last session, I said that I thought my BFRBs were weird and gross. My therapist said I needed to have more compassion for myself and stop being ashamed. He said he could think of at least ten things that people did that were weirder and grosser than my BFRBs. He said that he wished people were more ashamed of some of these things. I suppose he's right. I have exceptionally little compassion for myself, which paradoxically enough exacerbates the behaviors I'm trying to stop.
So, I guess the question is how do I cultivate compassion for myself? My therapist was particularly interested in me reevaluating idea that my BFRBs are weird and gross. He told me he thought I was smart and asked me why I think that if I knew it wasn't serving me. I didn't get an opportunity at the time, but for me thinking things is about whether or not I believe them to be true, not whether or not they serve me. It seems intellectually dishonest to change what I believe to be true based on what will serve me best. I can understand not dwelling on things that I believe to be true if it serves me not to dwell on them, but I can't understand not believing them. The thing is, I do think my BFRBs are weird and gross. I can agree that there are weirder and grosser things that people do, and I suppose that helps me cultivate at least some compassion for myself.
Now I'm totally curious - what other things does your therapist think are worse?
ReplyDeleteI also feel like I have difficulty feeling compassion for myself, as do many people in this country, which I think is the cause of a whole bunch of problems. I think a lot of people's animosity or anger toward other people has to do with them feeling like someone is getting something they don't allow themselves to have.
Anyway, personally I think compassion for yourself not only helps you deal with your own issues, but also helps you be a nice/more compassionate person with other people as well. I think at least part of allowing yourself to be compassionate is to appreciate that it's a valuable thing to foster (whereas a lot of people think it's more important to be a hard ass or something - I don't know.)
Also, for me, I think a lot of it was realizing that in certain contexts where I did the best I could. I was in situations I found difficult, and I just did my best to handle it. I mean, your body behaviors aren't cruel or mean or in any way hurtful to anyone else. They're just something you do that somehow helps you cope with things, but you could have picked far worse ways to cope (like, by being an ass.)
Anyway! I'd like to chat with you more at some point.