I shared with my therapist the thought that I was having that my anxiety levels were meaningful and indicative that something in my life wasn't working. He seemed to think this was an OCD situation and then I felt embarrassed. I think I even started to blush. God.
I don't know what to think now. I think that my anxiety is meaningful, but I'm starting to doubt my doubts that my life isn't working. I don't think my obsessions point me towards what isn't working, but I think there existence is an indication of something. And I think I know what that something is: work is a bit of a mess right now for various reasons and I don't handle work stress well.
Then we ran out of OCD things to talk about, so we talked about skin picking. Ug. I know I brought it up two weeks ago and I know I want to stop doing it, but it's probably the most embarrassing thing to talk about in any detail. It doesn't feel so bad to say I skin pick, but if you actually want me to get into the details of it, I will get embarrassed and have trouble telling my therapist all the details. I don't even know that my partner knows all the details. I mean, he knows that I do it, finds it gross, and for God knows what reason accepts me despite this, but I don't know if he understands the urges and perverted and bizarre thought processes that lead me to do it.
From what I've read about skin picking, like OCD, it comes down to sitting with discomfort. With OCD, that discomfort tends to be anxiety (but it can be guilt or other unpleasant emotions). With skin picking, the discomfort comes from an urge unsatisfied. It's sort of depressing for me to feel that all my issues stem from an unwillingness or inability to sit with discomfort. So, I obsess more, perform compulsions, and skin pick. It makes me feel like a bit of a wimp. I wonder, am I a wimp? Or do other people not experience discomfort at the same levels I do? I suppose I can never really know the answers to these questions.
I don't know what to think now. I think that my anxiety is meaningful, but I'm starting to doubt my doubts that my life isn't working. I don't think my obsessions point me towards what isn't working, but I think there existence is an indication of something. And I think I know what that something is: work is a bit of a mess right now for various reasons and I don't handle work stress well.
Then we ran out of OCD things to talk about, so we talked about skin picking. Ug. I know I brought it up two weeks ago and I know I want to stop doing it, but it's probably the most embarrassing thing to talk about in any detail. It doesn't feel so bad to say I skin pick, but if you actually want me to get into the details of it, I will get embarrassed and have trouble telling my therapist all the details. I don't even know that my partner knows all the details. I mean, he knows that I do it, finds it gross, and for God knows what reason accepts me despite this, but I don't know if he understands the urges and perverted and bizarre thought processes that lead me to do it.
From what I've read about skin picking, like OCD, it comes down to sitting with discomfort. With OCD, that discomfort tends to be anxiety (but it can be guilt or other unpleasant emotions). With skin picking, the discomfort comes from an urge unsatisfied. It's sort of depressing for me to feel that all my issues stem from an unwillingness or inability to sit with discomfort. So, I obsess more, perform compulsions, and skin pick. It makes me feel like a bit of a wimp. I wonder, am I a wimp? Or do other people not experience discomfort at the same levels I do? I suppose I can never really know the answers to these questions.
I think your anxiety about your job is meaningful.
ReplyDeleteWell, I relatively little of my anxiety is about my job. My theory is that my job contributes to my anxiety, but my anxiety is misplaced. Other theories might be that my anxiety is random, my anxiety is the result of something else, etc.
ReplyDeleteWell, I relatively little of my anxiety is about my job. My theory is that my job contributes to my anxiety, but my anxiety is misplaced. Other theories might be that my anxiety is random, my anxiety is the result of something else, etc.
ReplyDelete