I think OCD is my perverted way of dealing with stress and burnout. It's sort of irritating that this is how I deal with these things. It'd be much better if my mind said, "Hey! I think you're getting a bit stressed. Maybe you need to address the stress in your life, do less, and take better care of yourself." Instead, my mind says bizarre perverted things like, "you must ruminate NOW on the nature of death and time" or, more mundanely, "maybe you left the stove on."
The thing is, I think my mind does tell me I'm stressed and on the path to burnout but I don't listen. So, I just keep on going. Eventually, my mind makes me listen by either causing a stress related injury or OCD. Both of these things make me slow down, but have the unfortunate side effect of fucking up my life making me wish I had listened and slowed down sooner.
I had a long conversation with a kind-of coworker today. He told me about how a number of my predecessors had epically and suddenly burned out. I knew that two of my predecessors had, but there apparently were a few before that that did too. I had an odd emotional reaction to this. On the one hand, it felt relieving to know that my bizarre and perverted obsessive-compulsive reaction to work stress wasn't unusual or unexpected. Not that my predecessors were OCD, but one of them apparently was a big drinker who was stealing alcohol from work. It apparently was a bit of a mystery where the red wine was going. We all express our issues in uniquely self-destructive ways, I suppose.
On the other hand, I had already been wondering about whether or how to continue at my job. My predecessors, I suppose, uncomfortably reminded me that I need to continue exploring this issue. A number of books I have on anxiety say that a lot of anxiety disorders don't go into remission until you are doing something that makes you feel passionate and excited. It's clear to me that my job causes me undue stress and that a change is needed. I don't know whether all I need an attitude change. Given my predecessors, is such a change possible? Or do I need to do something more drastic... like quit?
The thing is, I think my mind does tell me I'm stressed and on the path to burnout but I don't listen. So, I just keep on going. Eventually, my mind makes me listen by either causing a stress related injury or OCD. Both of these things make me slow down, but have the unfortunate side effect of fucking up my life making me wish I had listened and slowed down sooner.
I had a long conversation with a kind-of coworker today. He told me about how a number of my predecessors had epically and suddenly burned out. I knew that two of my predecessors had, but there apparently were a few before that that did too. I had an odd emotional reaction to this. On the one hand, it felt relieving to know that my bizarre and perverted obsessive-compulsive reaction to work stress wasn't unusual or unexpected. Not that my predecessors were OCD, but one of them apparently was a big drinker who was stealing alcohol from work. It apparently was a bit of a mystery where the red wine was going. We all express our issues in uniquely self-destructive ways, I suppose.
On the other hand, I had already been wondering about whether or how to continue at my job. My predecessors, I suppose, uncomfortably reminded me that I need to continue exploring this issue. A number of books I have on anxiety say that a lot of anxiety disorders don't go into remission until you are doing something that makes you feel passionate and excited. It's clear to me that my job causes me undue stress and that a change is needed. I don't know whether all I need an attitude change. Given my predecessors, is such a change possible? Or do I need to do something more drastic... like quit?
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