I started seeing a new therapist about a month ago. It's been great. We talked a lot about what I've been obsessing about. A big one for me is obsessing about obsessing, which I hadn't quite realized I was obsessing about. This can take on various forms. One way that this goes is, "Omg. I could have an obsession about x. Wouldn't that be terrible." Then I keep checking periodically to see if I'm obsessing about x. But I'm not exactly obsessing about x, just hoping that I won't.
Another way that this goes is something happens that makes me stressed and then I start obsessing about something. The obsession wanes and then I start thinking, "Here we go again. You got stressed and you know that makes you obsessed, so now you'll just keep obsessing for months, like happened before." (I got injured and really stressed and that's when I went to see my first therapist for what I now know is OCD.)
Two weeks ago, my therapist and I came up with a first exposure, which was a tape recording of "I may have an obsession today that may never go away." I listened to it as continuously as possible for a week, and I think it helped. However, it didn't really get at my what my fear of having an obsession really is.
My fear really is something more like my life will pass me by, that I won't be able to be present in the things that I do. So, we came up with a new recording for that one.
The thing is, a good exposure is hard to listen to and work on. It takes a lot of energy. And lately, I don't feel like I've had much resilience, so I haven't wanted to work on it. And honestly, I haven't worked on it as much as a should.
Before starting with my new therapist, I went back and forth for a long time about whether to go. The big question for me is did I need hand-holding? I would also wonder if I would become dependent on therapy, if it was worth all the money, if it would be a waste of time, or if it would make me worse. I suppose I was obsessing about whether or not to go to therapy.
But the thing is there is no way I would be doing such a hard exposure right now if it weren't for being in therapy. Being accountable to someone else forces you to do things that you otherwise wouldn't have the balls to do.
Oh yeah, and I may be wasting my time and money, therapy may make my OCD worse, and I may be in the process of becoming dependent on it. Those are some uncertainties that I do have to live with.
Another way that this goes is something happens that makes me stressed and then I start obsessing about something. The obsession wanes and then I start thinking, "Here we go again. You got stressed and you know that makes you obsessed, so now you'll just keep obsessing for months, like happened before." (I got injured and really stressed and that's when I went to see my first therapist for what I now know is OCD.)
Two weeks ago, my therapist and I came up with a first exposure, which was a tape recording of "I may have an obsession today that may never go away." I listened to it as continuously as possible for a week, and I think it helped. However, it didn't really get at my what my fear of having an obsession really is.
My fear really is something more like my life will pass me by, that I won't be able to be present in the things that I do. So, we came up with a new recording for that one.
The thing is, a good exposure is hard to listen to and work on. It takes a lot of energy. And lately, I don't feel like I've had much resilience, so I haven't wanted to work on it. And honestly, I haven't worked on it as much as a should.
Before starting with my new therapist, I went back and forth for a long time about whether to go. The big question for me is did I need hand-holding? I would also wonder if I would become dependent on therapy, if it was worth all the money, if it would be a waste of time, or if it would make me worse. I suppose I was obsessing about whether or not to go to therapy.
But the thing is there is no way I would be doing such a hard exposure right now if it weren't for being in therapy. Being accountable to someone else forces you to do things that you otherwise wouldn't have the balls to do.
Oh yeah, and I may be wasting my time and money, therapy may make my OCD worse, and I may be in the process of becoming dependent on it. Those are some uncertainties that I do have to live with.
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