Nibbled Around the Edges

My therapist yesterday said that OCD nibbles you around the edges when it can't sink its teeth into you. This is how I feel a lot of the time. Nibbled around the edges. It sounds better than having OCD sink its teeth into you, but I feel worn out, anxious, and sad. These too are triggers for more nibbles.

I find myself wanting to talk about my problems to people, but these days my problems aren't real. They're all fake, trivial, or unsolvable problems and I know this. I feel like to talk about what I'm having trouble with I have to say I have OCD. Then I have to explain what OCD is--no it's not just about washing your hands. It can be anything, everything, and it can happen all in your head. Obviously, it's easier just not to tell people, especially people at work. It probably isn't a good idea to tell people at work that I'm crazy anyway.

Last weekend I met up with let's just say an old friend. I told him I had OCD and he talked to me about his bipolar. I felt like we were so different, yet somehow kindred spirits. He told me about how he couldn't paint when he was on meds, so he went off of them. But his partner liked him better when he was on them. It sounded like a hard situation. He asked what my obsessions were about and I gave him a few examples. The funny bit was that I mentioned I had sexual obsessions sometimes, but didn't really explain. A few hours later, I realized that he probably imagined something much more embarrassing for me than what I actually experienced. Sexual obsession makes you think sex addict, not feeling continuously terrified that you've somehow magically stopped ever being attracted to men.

Speaking of meds, I talked to my therapist about skin picking. He told me meds could help with that. I have yet to investigate that claim. What if meds do help with it? Should I reconsider my stance on meds? I really want to stop skin picking--it's leading to scarring and it's a waste of time. Well, I suppose I'll investigate.

I have the urge to skin pick right now. It's such a shameful habit. It's gross and painful, yet I find I can't stop myself. I feel out of control. I mean, I suppose it's better to not be able to control skin picking than it is to be unable to control murderous rages.

I'm in a pseudo-open relationship. Kind of. Not really. It's been years since I've slept with anyone other than my boyfriend. I sometimes wonder if my skin picking stops me. I certainly don't think it's the only reason I don't want to sleep around. But it seems like a major mood killer to have to explain to someone you're trying to have a one-night stand with that you pick yourself in private areas until you bleed. No, no, no. It's not like cutting. You don't do it "feel" something or to inflict harm on yourself. You don't want to do it, you just can't stop yourself. These days I even have trouble getting naked in locker rooms. I'm not sure what's worse--someone thinking I have a weird skin condition or thinking that I'm a skin picker. Better to keep covered.

The conversation about skin picking with my therapist was surprisingly insightful, despite it's brevity. It's considered an OCD-spectrum disorder meaning that it often goes along with OCD and maybe has the same underlying structural causes in the brain. Basically, we really have no fucking clue but we'll pretend that skin picking and OCD are manifestations of the same thing, whatever that thing is.

The difference between OCD and skin picking is that OCD is a much shorter loop. OCD kind of goes trigger -> obsession -> compulsion -> obsession -> compulsion and so on. So, stopping the compulsion prevents that loop from continuing. Eventually the obsession fades if you just sit with it. Skin picking is more complicated and I guess everyone with it has to kind of figure out what the loop is for them and address it at each stage. It's obviously not as simple as preventing a compulsion.

So, I guess here's what a loop might look like for me: (Warning: this is gross)
Hair somewhere I don't want it -> pluck it ->wanting to pluck other hairs -> ingrown hairs -> irritating texture -> desire to remove ingrown hairs -> squeezing and/or skin picking to remove ingrown hairs -> scabs -> irritating texture -> removing scabs/bleeding -> more scabs -> curiosity about whether there are hairs under the scabs -> more skin picking and hair pulling.

I feel a little better with the insight that skin picking is more complicated than OCD. I mean, to stop it I have a number of links in the chain to address, and not just one. God knows that it's hard enough to not be OCD and all you have to do to stop OCD is not do your compulsions.