I'm having a bit of a flaky day, emotionally that is. I woke up feeling intensely bleh and was having trouble getting going. I finally got up the motivation to shower, and while in there, I decided that I needed to prioritize my own needs better. I called in sick to work. I feel guilty and flaky, but at some point, my needs are more important.
I also have been having trouble today managing my OCD. So, I decided 2 weeks was too long to go without seeing my therapist. I scheduled an appointment for next week. Compulsion? Relief seeking? Maybe, but I won't ruminate about it.
I struggle a lot with therapy. I feel like I don't really understand it, it's cultural context, or whether it will help me. But this is an obsession. I have to accept that I don't understand it and fundamentally can't know whether or not it's good for me.
I do wonder why I keep wanting to go to therapy. (I don't think this is an obsession, because it doesn't feel unwanted.) I sometimes wonder if there are tangential reasons why I go. For example, there aren't really any older men in my life who are or have been respectful of me. I wouldn't count my father. There's an older man at work I get along with fine, but he's not respectful of me or the other young women I work with. He's usually not blatantly disrespectful of me (because I pander to him--I've learned well how to deal with obnoxious older men, I suppose), but he did repeatedly and obnoxiously tell one of my coworkers she was "making a big mistake" about what was really quite a trivial matter. There was an older man I respected a great deal at an internship I did a few years ago, but he would read my writing and say that I sounded too presumptuous. I was, after all, only 22. Maybe I should put some sort of disclaimer in my writing saying this is how I see things as a 22-year-old. (23 I would say!) It wasn't very respectful for him to interact not with my ideas but with my age. I suppose there have been a few older male teachers who have taken a liking to me--an English teacher in middle school, a math teacher in high school, and a professor in college. There was never really enough emotional or intellectual closeness to really discuss what I wanted or needed or where I wanted to go. These teachers more pushed me in directions for which they thought I seemed well-suited. In any case, I wonder if I've found a bit of a lost father figure in my therapist.
This all sounds very Freudian and bullshitty upon writing it.
But there is some reason I keep going. It's not like I feel better immediately following my sessions, as I know some people do after many of their sessions. Sometimes, I even feel worse. I do feel like I occasionally have some insight into my own psyche after going, but, for the most part, I feel like I have a very good understanding of what my issues are and what I'm supposed to do about them.
I think I'm looking for a reason that I keep going because I'm concerned that I go almost entirely for hand-holding. I find this frustrating and infuriating. I feel like I should be able to manage on my own once I have good insight and know what to do. But I'm not managing on my own. I'm having a hard time. Then, my brain jumps to the future. Am I going to be dependent on this forever? Will this make me better or worse? Do not need immediate answers... ignore... ignore.
I also have been having trouble today managing my OCD. So, I decided 2 weeks was too long to go without seeing my therapist. I scheduled an appointment for next week. Compulsion? Relief seeking? Maybe, but I won't ruminate about it.
I struggle a lot with therapy. I feel like I don't really understand it, it's cultural context, or whether it will help me. But this is an obsession. I have to accept that I don't understand it and fundamentally can't know whether or not it's good for me.
I do wonder why I keep wanting to go to therapy. (I don't think this is an obsession, because it doesn't feel unwanted.) I sometimes wonder if there are tangential reasons why I go. For example, there aren't really any older men in my life who are or have been respectful of me. I wouldn't count my father. There's an older man at work I get along with fine, but he's not respectful of me or the other young women I work with. He's usually not blatantly disrespectful of me (because I pander to him--I've learned well how to deal with obnoxious older men, I suppose), but he did repeatedly and obnoxiously tell one of my coworkers she was "making a big mistake" about what was really quite a trivial matter. There was an older man I respected a great deal at an internship I did a few years ago, but he would read my writing and say that I sounded too presumptuous. I was, after all, only 22. Maybe I should put some sort of disclaimer in my writing saying this is how I see things as a 22-year-old. (23 I would say!) It wasn't very respectful for him to interact not with my ideas but with my age. I suppose there have been a few older male teachers who have taken a liking to me--an English teacher in middle school, a math teacher in high school, and a professor in college. There was never really enough emotional or intellectual closeness to really discuss what I wanted or needed or where I wanted to go. These teachers more pushed me in directions for which they thought I seemed well-suited. In any case, I wonder if I've found a bit of a lost father figure in my therapist.
This all sounds very Freudian and bullshitty upon writing it.
But there is some reason I keep going. It's not like I feel better immediately following my sessions, as I know some people do after many of their sessions. Sometimes, I even feel worse. I do feel like I occasionally have some insight into my own psyche after going, but, for the most part, I feel like I have a very good understanding of what my issues are and what I'm supposed to do about them.
I think I'm looking for a reason that I keep going because I'm concerned that I go almost entirely for hand-holding. I find this frustrating and infuriating. I feel like I should be able to manage on my own once I have good insight and know what to do. But I'm not managing on my own. I'm having a hard time. Then, my brain jumps to the future. Am I going to be dependent on this forever? Will this make me better or worse? Do not need immediate answers... ignore... ignore.
that's really interesting about the older men ...
ReplyDeleteI think it's ok to get so-called "hand-holding" for some things. Like, people hire doulas or midwives for births. Yeah you COULD do it on your own, but it's emotionally difficult and it's helpful to have someone who knows what they are doing.
I mean, another thought is that perhaps you appreciate a perspective you don't get much?
ReplyDeleteOlder men probably have a different way of looking at the world, so perhaps his perspective is more valuable than someone whose experience is closer to yours?
I mean, perhaps this is a ridiculously unhelpful thing to say, but it's ok to just do things sometimes. Maybe they're even bad for you, who knows? Maybe therapy is bad for you, but it's ok to do it anyway.